Valis Journal Entry: Day 13th, 5th month, 747
Today started in the evening. My morning and afternoon were relatively quiet, stealing this, drinking that, all was normal. Then, when I went ot a tavern I frequented, usually for the fighting ring and the fabulous mead, I found myself in an intersting situation.
Instead of the usual sweaty, oversized apemen wrestling like stuffed cats there were enormous orcs fighting. The onwe who kept winning also had a tendency to eat the loser’s faces. He must’ve had quite an appetite considering he beat about 5 of them over the course of the night.
Eventually, I got bored of dancing on a group of ninja’s table, and decided to steal the bet’s people were placing on them. I found the gamemaster, and was innocently inspecting him for any sign of the moneybag, when I accidentally put my face in his arse. Normally, I’d pull back and apologize, saying I dropped my… knife or something, but I forgot that the man, Artemis by name, was from the mountain Tribe of the Iron Cheeks, and I found my nose sucked into the hole of his buttcrack. As you can imagine, this was somewhat of a hilarious predicament.
After I’d talked my way out of it, I was told to go to the bar to collect any winnings (i.e: the betters), and followed the man quietly out the back and to what I found was the holding pen. After secreting myself in the rafters, I overheard the guard refuse to open the safe, and told the barkeep to go out and convince me to wait till everyone else collected their bets. What I didn’t notice, until another guard tazed them, were the four orcs chained to the wall, screaming in anger and pain. This made me a little angry, so my next thought: Free them.
I swung quietly and unnoticed over the rafters, my feet literally inched over the guards head. Once i had nicely placed myself over him, the orcs were waiting for me to do what I did: drop in him and knock him out cold.
This of course, drew the safe guards attention. I could’ve dealt with him, but why do something yourself when you have such eager helpers. After he opened the safe with a little help from an arrow at his forehead, I released the orcs, who immediately ate his face. I think it’s a thing with these guys, I dunno.
So as I grabbed the money and was leaving behind these rampaging orcs, I noticed the current combatants had found a way out of the walls of the ring. This one idiot Dragonborn, who I saw was working on a model boat in the corner of the room, was confronting it, or rather, siding wih it. It’s not often you see a sorcerer of great intellingence take the side of a dumb green tusky giant. Mind you, after the Dragonborn froze a few people and the Orc ate their face, things got outta hand quickly.
I noticed some Eladrin bitches eyes were going all red, which meant she was projecting all this to another person, so i had to do something. I tried slapping her, but that just made her angry and try to roast me alive, so I thought that was kinda stupid. Fortunately, a flying orc knocked me outta the way (no joke) and I ended up in a crumpled heap with the four orcs, the Dragonborn and the Head Orc before we got to our feet and piss-bolted the hell outta there.
I tried introducing myself to the Dragonborn, but I could tell he didn’t like me, probably because he said “I don’t associate with filthy theives,”.
What a prick.
So we ran from the authorities and we made it into the middle of Mechtropolis, the Inner City. IT was fun for a bit, I stole a rope and he ran off to save some screaming chick, but it was kinda interrupted by the fact that the girl was actually a Banshee, bunch of babes who got acid coming out of their hands. Poor choice of clientelle for a handjob, unless you want a seared and scarred you-know-what.
So she killed a guard by decapitating him, and whilst his friend was busy trying to get his head back on, I held the body up for ihm and looted some keys and a baton before promising him to finish the job this man had started. I think he was talking to the dragonborn, but I really wanted to know what this had that he needed so many keys for.
We found our way to his house and his son answered the door. I told him it was the tax collectors and we needed 10,000 gold pieces that his father had been dodging or his son. The dragonborn got me in a stranglehold for this, and until the wife showed up, i was almost certain he would’ve breathed fire on me and burned my damn mane off.
So we found out he was a very high ranked officer in the Mechtropolis Police, and it was his job to clean up the Banshee’s who were operating in the city. And whilst the dragonborn was being all noble and listening to the plight of a dead man and his grieving widow, I used his keys to steal a big-ass gun and hid it in my pants like I was hiding an awkward erection. As she was putting a hat on the Dragonborn that would get us into the city, I was out that door faster than a flaming rabbit and into a hotel to examine this artifact. THe construction of the crystals poweering the gun showed me it was powerful (as well as damn heavy), and I saw carved into the butt of the gun: Banshee Bane. I thought the Dragonborn would thank me for obtaining this weapon that would make his job a lot easier, but instead he froze my feet to the floor and punched me. I’m now marinating my feet in boiling water hoping I don’t get frostbite. He really does pride honour above enjoyment, I just don’t get it.
Anyway, I have a feeling my life’s going to get damn interesting very soon. Should be a fun ride.